It's day #1 of chemo, Round 4, and i'm writing to you from home! Yes, I decided to give being an outpatient a try this round. And though I miss all of my amazing friends, aka Nurses, Aides, and Doctors at Huntsman, I am already loving being home with my family while receiving chemo.
My sweet children are so considerate and aware of my illness. They love watching me give myself shots, take my medicine, looking at my owie (port), and they are especially intrigued by my new "robot medicine." My three year old, Gunther, is constantly asking if anything is hurting me and always so concerned about how i'm feeling. He was being a bit of a pill when he heard that Grandma was coming to babysit again while Mom went to the Doctor. My Mother-in-law told me that when she was talking to him about it, and jokingly said, "Gun, how come you don't want Grandma to play with you? That makes Grandma sad." He replied, "Because I don't want my Mom to go to the Doctor."
My heart broke. My poor babies. They are being so strong. I feel very blessed that I can be home with them through this round. I am doing it for them. They are in the best hands, being loved, spoiled, and taken care of by our Mothers, but they need their Mama. And I need them.
I need to clarify something. In my last post, I mentioned that they upped my chemo dose because my levels didn't drop much. Well some worried that that was a bad thing and thought that since my levels weren't dropping, the chemo wasn't working. Have no fear! The chemo treatments are working and it is actually a good thing that I was able to receive a higher dose. It means that my body is strong and tolerated the chemo well, so they were able to give me more. I will again receive the higher dose, the same as last round. I could definitely tell a difference, but I got through it and i'll get through it again. It's a blessing to know that though I will feel really yucky for a while, it goes away and I get feeling better and am able to have a bit of normalcy to my life. I love normalcy.
My Doctor was excited that I wanted to try being an outpatient this round. I felt like i'd feel better being in my own home, with it's yummy smells, with my family, in my own bed, and eating my own food. To get me ready, I had a short infusion of a special medicine that flags the tumor cells, and tells the chemo where to go. Once that was all finished, I got set up with my chemo and the pump that I will have on me for 24 hours a day, for the next 5 days. Home Health will come to my house every day and switch out the chemo bags and give me my medicines. I'll start feeling yucky tomorrow and while the chemo is running for the 5 days, then for another 6 days after I am disconnected from the chemo.
*Ju-leigh (my beautiful mother) was snatching hats for me again. ha! And oh, obviously I was feeling the drugs ;)
*My new bff. I text Jake a pic to show him my new fanny pack. This was his reply..."fanny pack might be a stretch...maybe for Kim Kardashian's fanny. It is more like a duffle bag." Hahaha, I love him.
Emotionally, I feel really good and strong, but yesterday, I was obviously nervous and anxious to begin another round. I was pretty worthless yesterday. There were at least ten things I wanted to do before getting hooked up today, but I COULD NOT make myself do any of it. So, what did I do, I sat on the couch, watched T.V., and ate candy all afternoon. And then, when anyone wished me luck or even looked at me with any hint of sympathy, I started to cry. It's just a lot to try and get yourself ready for, and it catches up with me sometimes.
BUT today was a new day, and I felt peace, strength, and courage...I know why too. It was all of your prayers. You are all helping to carry me through this trial. Your faith is buoying me up and I literally feel it. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
I read this scripture yesterday,
...ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls.
I love reading the Book of Mormon. The peace, purpose, and strength I feel as I read and ponder it daily is indescribable. It is essential for my happiness and I am grateful to be able to find answers, direction, and to feel the love of God as I read.
I have been so humbled to hear that I have touched your lives, you couldn't give me a greater compliment. This scripture made me think of you and brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful promise, that if we each try to endure our trials with patience, we can be a tool for good, to help save others. You are all saving me right now. I couldn't do this without your help. Thank you.