There has been much to say and experiences to share. I have wanted to write for a long time now. It hasn't been until recently that I have really felt strongly that now is the time. I have sought guidance through prayer, fasting, and a Priesthood blessing, hoping with all my heart that by continuing to share my story, it can help others. I have multiple drafts of thoughts and feelings i've been wanting to share. Though they're nothing life altering, my desire is to help uplift and inspire. Ha, if anything, this may just be a good form of therapy for myself :)
Trials are a funny thing. You would never choose them, but once you've gone through them, have learned, grown, and come out stronger and better in the end, you'd never give them up.
It may be the craziest thing you've ever heard, but I miss cancer. I miss it because I miss the strong spirit I constantly felt, I miss physically feeling the power of your prayers and fasts for me, I miss not worrying about things of the world, I miss constantly seeing the goodness in those around me, I miss sharing my testimony and love for the Lord and His Son, Jesus Christ.
As I scroll through my social media feeds now, I am left wanting. Wanting to share the whole story, wanting to talk about things that matter, wanting to be a light and example to everyone I can. No, I don't think i'm some wonderful person who can do that by myself, but I know any one of us can be someone like that if we ask the Lord for help and strive to be a tool in His hands.
There is a side to cancer that I feel no one knows. There is a side of cancer that no one can see, and many can't understand. There is the recovery.
There I was, a Huntsman Cancer Institute Alumni, having a follow up appointment with my oncologist. "I don't feel like myself. The recovery is feeling harder than the treatment. My hormones are so crazy and out-of-whack..."
I was really struggling and having a hard time feeling better.
"Why am I having such a hard time?" My Dr. replied, "Because you're mind and body are trying to process the traumatic experience it's been through."
Traumatic is a perfect word for it. As I expressed how I miss all of the many good parts of cancer, I am haunted sometimes by the bad parts.
If you know me, you will know that I am tough. I can take a lot of pain, and I try really hard to never complain. I am very proud that I am a person like that, I work hard at it. As I was going through chemo, feeling so so sick, I tried really hard not to complain. No one knew how sick I really was, or how awful I really felt, because I didn't let them. Now, a year later, as my mind is trying to cope and work through everything, I sometimes feel overwhelmed with the "traumatic experience," I, in a way, bottled up and kept to myself.
Nobody told me I would feel sad, sick to my stomach, and have to change the channel any time a cancer commercial came on T.V.
Nobody told me I would have to say goodbye to dear friends I walked the cancer journey with, hold their hand as they were slipping away, then sit at their funeral services, missing them and wondering why I was one who survived.
Nobody told me I would feel guilt, so much guilt, that would feel paralyzing, when I run into friends and others who are still fighting for their lives.
Nobody told me I would feel like a stranger in my own body, and that Jentrie was watching this "Mom" from the sidelines, struggling through her days.
These things are all really hard for me right now, and i'm working through them. Each day I feel a little better and learn a little more. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sent His Son to atone for all of us. Because of that precious gift, I am able to get through my hard days and feel hope and strength as I choose to focus on my countless blessings.
There are always lessons to be learned, and for me, I feel i'm learning the most right now. Nobody could have warned me about those things, but they also could not have told me that...
People would be put in my path who will be lifelong friends, who help me through and who are like angels to me.
I would be given a voice, and many opportunities to share my testimony.
I would be able to develop and share my talents with many.
My testimony would grow and I would be able to recognize the promptings of the spirit more clearly.
And no one could have told me, that I would do it all over again in a heart beat, because when someone stops me and tells me that my blog has helped them, it makes it all worth it.